Teaching My First Yoga Class

"Santosa is just that - an alternative way to move through the world.  It is a shift of focus.  Instead of seeking contentment from the outside in, we find contentment from the inside out. The paradigm shift comes when we view all events as opportunities to grow, to encounter our own magnificence.  When we view things in this light, there are no good events or bad events, only moments in which to shine." 

- Rolf Gates and Katrina Kenison, Meditations from the Mat

Teaching Notes - with help from Everyday Yoga and 108 Asana Flashcards

Almost there!  It's going so smoothly.  Phew. Well, there was that confusion over left and right during our seated twists and I forgot that part of the warm-up  I had planned and NO ONE is smiling, but they're doing this, I'm doing this -- and I didn't crash and burn!"

Down to savanasa they go.  Ahhhhh.........

Wait....wait, wait wait.  This class doesn't end at 8:30.  THIS CLASS ENDS AT 8:45!!!

Down to a very long and luxurious savasana they go???  Aghhhh??!!!

And that's how teaching my very first yoga class actually taught me my latest lesson in santosa.

I was so caught up in everything I was trying to remember as a novice teacher that I got confused about the class's ending time.  When I realized my mistake, I quickly ran through a few choices:

1.  Get the class up and out of their rest and practice more asana.
2.  Relax into what was happening and set the class up for a deluxe savasana experience and extended seated meditation at the end of class.
3.  End the class early.
4.  Panic.
5.  Laugh.

As the cliche goes, the teacher teaches the lesson she most needs to learn.  Since, I'd spent the last hour talking about contentment - right now, in this moment, regardless of circumstances - I chose a mixture of options 2, 3, and 5 -- with just a touch of 4 on the inside!

My students enjoyed more savasana than they usually would in a 60 minute class and some extended readings from Meditations from the Mat.  We ended about 3 or 4 minutes early.  And I transparently shared my mistake with them - along with my choice to just be content with it!

Some students noticed, some didn't.  All were compassionate - but my own internal dialogue wasn't. As a Type A personality and recovering perfectionist, I left the studio feeling a familiar shame narrative rising.

I can't believe I did that.
How could I have done that?
I had the class time written on my notes.  What an idiot! 
I should have been better than that.  Why am I not better than that?
Ugh.  

The good news: After years of working on positive self-talk and the studying I've been doing as part of my yoga teacher training, I was able - at least in part- to step back, observe my reaction, and offer a counter narrative:

No one is perfect and that's a good thing - that's where the magic and joy is!
It's unrealistic to expect perfection EVER - and especially when you're trying something new.
I'm so proud of you! 
You did something so hard: you stepped out of your comfort zone and were vulnerable.
What if you were content with the inputs and unattached to the outcomes?
Guess what?!  You'll laugh at this soon and never teach your first yoga class ever again!
It's YOGA, Robyn.  Breathe in and out.  This feeling will pass. 

I also used the experience to practice Brene Brown's shame resilience strategies:

• Talk to yourself like you would talk to someone you love: I kept on chanting those positive self-talk sentences throughout the next few days!
• Reach out to someone you trust: I talked with my sister who was student in the class and sent some "Agh!  Help me!" texts to a dear friend who totally gets (and loves!) Type A me.
• Tell your story:  Well, now you know!  

So, what are the lessons I'm taking away from teaching my first yoga class?

• It's never as bad as you think it is.  Students are having their own experiences on the mat and want a positive experience for everyone in the room. 
• More savasasa is never a bad thing. 
• When you mess up, fess up. Appropriate vulnerability fosters connection.  And isn't that the whole point?
• If we're truly going to practice santosa in all areas of our lives, we need to tools and strategies for moving through the other emotions that block contentment: Non-attached observance and shame resilience are helpful!
• Write the class ending time in ALL CAPS with DARK MARKER at the TOP of your class notes! 
• Breathe in.  Breathe out.  As always. 

Breathing Room

"The practice is simply this: keep coming back to your breath during the day. Just take a moment. This will give your mind a steadiness and your breath a gracefulness...There's so much to let go of, isn't there? Your nostalgia and your regrets. Your fantasies and your fears. What you think you want instead of what is happening right now. Breathe." -  Rodney Yee

When I started my 200-hour Yoga Teacher Training three months ago, my intention was to remain open to the lessons of the journey.  I enrolled in the training course curious, wanting to scratch the itch inside that was calling for something different.

The past several months have helped me understand that the itch was more like my insides gasping for air, the deep prana inside me needing more room to groove, my spirit needing space to flutter again and then fly a new route.   I needed space, time.  I needed to practice pranayama physically and spiritually.

I needed breathing room.

As writer Liz Gilbert says, the curiosity I started this journey with has given me some important clues on the scavenger hunt of my life.  And so, I'm following those clues to see where they lead next.

Today is my last day in The Big Job I've had for the last 5 years.  It's a role in which I've been highly successful.  It's a role that I've loved.  It's a role that has been the most challenging and engaging of my career to-date. It's been a role full of extreme, exciting highs and deep, painful lows.  And it's a role that hasn't left much space for anything else

So I'm now choosing a new path, intentionally noticing what brings me energy, and gently allowing for more and more margin in my life.

I'm breathing in and out - and couldn't be more at peace.

Renunciation

One who does all work
As an offering to the Lord
Abandoning attachment to the results
Is as untouched by sin
As the lotus flower is to water
-  The Bhagavad Gita, Chapter 5, The Yoga of Renunciation of Action


At my first Yoga Teacher Training weekend, I met a teacher who is a renunciant: she makes her home in a ashram with limited possessions, lives by the yamas and niyamas,  has taken a vow of celibacy.

Now, while I'm certain hers is not the path I'm called to follow in full, I've been thinking about how renunciation might actually serve me.

What does it mean to renounce something?

To give up or put aside voluntarily
To refuse to recognize or abide by any longer
To declare that one will no longer engage in or support

***

My six year old daughter often plays a game she calls "Word of the Day."  To play, she chooses a word that sound interesting or grown up or silly -- and then she repeats it incessantly, for days on end!  Fun times, right? Ah, the joys of a verbal child.

Recently the Word of the Day was linger.

As I was sharing with her what the word meant, I was struck by how rare and precious lingering is in my life - and in hers.During the week, we infrequently linger or saunter or loiter or lollygag.  We plan.  We go.   We do. We act.  We work.Increasingly, though, our family has focused on adding more linger to our weekends.  We rest.  We wait.  We watch.  We dabble. We wander.

When I linger, I renounce my attachment to expectations, to specific outcomes, to the future state. Instead, I'm here. Right Now.That present moment mindfulness is my favorite part of yoga. And yet, plenty gets in the way of me maintaining that peace.

So, what might I need to renounce - to set aside,  to let go of, to no longer engage in -  in order to cultivate that mindfulness more and more regularly?

- Busyness
- Need for praise, acceptance
- Seeking worthiness through achievement
- Privileging action over contemplation

***
While the notion of radical simplification, giving up all of my worldly possessions, living exclusively by a strict code,and meditating for hours every day is alluring - especially on those days when I've over scheduled and under planned,  I know at my core that I'm called to be of the world, to serve here.  And yet, I'm learning that the lessons of renunciation might serve me too.